Why We Fear Feedback—and How to Make It Exceptional

We want feedback, but we also fear it, because feedback feels like a threat. We brace for it, unsure whether it will be helpful or hurtful.

We say we want feedback. We even ask for it. But when it finally arrives—our bodies often brace. Muscles tighten. Breath shortens. A subtle jolt runs through our nervous system. 

Why? Because for most of us, feedback doesn’t feel safe. It doesn’t land as guidance for growth. It lands as a threat to our worth.

We've all been victims of terrible and toxic feedback that isn't supportive or safe. Feedback that feels like an attack on us as a person, rather than about our actions or performance. 

I call this feedback (t)rauma—with a lowercase “t” for those seemingly small moments that still left a mark, and an uppercase “T” for the bigger, more overt experiences. These moments, whether subtle or scarring, teach our bodies that feedback equals threat.

As I was preparing to deliver my recent webinar, Feedback Free of Fear (watch the recording here), I realized I couldn't talk about feedback without first confronting my own story. Because for many of us, feedback hasn’t been a path to growth...it’s been a portal to pain.

My Personal Story

A few years ago, I shared a deeply personal story in an article (My Story of Struggle) including a feedback experience that was so seriously painful, it triggered me to disconnect and isolate myself from others for years. 

At the time, my boss told me I needed to, "Work on my leadership persona," because I had shared a social media post expressing distress publicly. The underlying message I received from his feedback was:

• Your authentic expression and pain are a liability.
• You shouldn't need help, especially not in public.
• There's something wrong with you for being honest and open to the public about your struggles and well-being. 

This wasn't just feedback—it felt like a rejection of my humanity, especially in a moment of need. It was feedback that invalidated rather than supported me.

As a result, I began (unconsciously) to disconnect and isolate myself because I internalized this experience as a warning: Don’t be too much. Don’t be too real. Don’t let them see you struggle. I started filtering what I shared, hiding the parts of me that felt messy or emotional—especially in leadership spaces. It felt safer to keep it all in, to appear composed, strong, and unaffected—even when I wasn’t.

What I've learned since this experience is how much of what I do in the present is the direct result of things that happened in my past. The result of past patterns created to protect me from painful experiences in the present and future. 

Like all children, I had multiple feedback (t)rauma experiences—moments where the feedback I received didn’t land as helpful guidance, but instead as shame, disconnection, or punishment. 

These early wounds taught me that love and belonging were often conditional on performance, compliance, or perfection. And those lessons didn’t just stay in childhood—they shaped how I navigated school, work, relationships, and leadership.

Can you relate to any of this?

Why Feedback Hurts: The Neurobiology of Feedback

Let's look at how feedback works in our body. From a neuroscience perspective, feedback that feels unsafe activates our survival brain—not our learning brain.

When we feel judged or blamed, our amygdala fires, pushing us into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn states. Our prefrontal cortex—the part of our brain responsible for reflection, integration, and growth—goes offline.

When we are in survival states, we are unable to integrate feedback in a helpful or healthy way. Even worse, if a past pattern exists this negative experience will reinforce that past pattern making us even more sensitive to similar threats.

That means even well-meaning feedback won’t stick if it isn’t delivered in a way that calms the nervous system and creates connection.

The Feedback Paradox

On one hand, feedback is essential. It’s how we learn, improve, and expand our impact. On the other hand, feedback often feels like criticism wrapped in concern, or judgment disguised as “helpful advice.”

We fear feedback because not all feedback is good feedback. In fact, much of what we’ve received—especially in professional settings—is poorly delivered, ego-driven, and emotionally unsafe.

We’ve all experienced toxic feedback:

• “You’re too much… too loud… too smart… too quiet…”
• "You need to express more empathy...don't be overly emotional!"
• “You need to be more assertive—but not that assertive.”

Much of what people claim as "feedback" is really just criticism, judgment, and blame, stemming from the giver's insecurities rather than the receiver's needs. 

These aren’t invitations to grow. They’re indictments of identity. They don’t refine your skills—they shake your self-worth.

What we need is a new paradigm—what I call Exceptional Feedback. This isn’t just “better” feedback. It’s feedback that’s intentionally designed to be safe, skillful, and growth-generating. It accounts for how our brains and bodies actually work—and how trust is built through relationship, not just correction.

What We’ve Learned to Call “Feedback” Is Often Something Else

So much of what gets labeled as “feedback” is really:

• Unprocessed projections (e.g., “Your communication style is confusing”—when the giver simply doesn’t understand nuance)
• Emotional discharge (e.g., “You’re always late and it’s annoying”—venting frustration, not seeking change)
• Power moves (e.g., “You need to step up or step out”—instilling fear, not fueling growth)

Feedback like this doesn’t build people up. It breaks them down.

Just as in my story, the feedback I received was less about helping me grow and more about maintaining the "image" the individual believed was required for "leadership." 

And over time, these moments build what I call a legacy of feedback trauma—a long-standing, nervous system-based resistance to feedback in any form. But the impact doesn’t stay in the moment—it echoes. Let’s look at how this trauma can show up in our relationships, behavior, and sense of self.

Legacy of Feedback Trauma

When feedback is delivered without care, connection, or coherence, it can leave lasting scars. It doesn't just shape how we respond to criticism; it reshapes our relationships with ourselves and others. 

The body remembers these moments and without healing, they echo into the future as avoidance, anxiety, or overcompensation. Most people carry unspoken feedback wounds from their past. 

These experiences form protective patterns—like perfectionism, people-pleasing, or shutting down—that were once necessary for safety, but now limit growth and connection.

Common examples of feedback trauma include:

• Being shamed or criticized in front of others (public humiliation)
• Receiving feedback that felt like a personal attack on character or identity
• Being told vulnerability or asking for help was “unprofessional”
• Only receiving negative or deficit-based feedback, never strengths
• Having feedback withheld until review time, then ambushed with criticism
• Feeling unheard or invalidated when trying to explain or contextualize behavior

The impact can ripple far beyond the original moment—leading to disconnection, isolation, and a fear of being truly seen. 

How Feedback Trauma Can Lead to Disconnection & Isolation

When feedback is experienced as unsafe—especially when it involves shame, judgment, or a rejection of vulnerability—the nervous system responds as if there's a threat. Over time, this can lead to deep disconnection from others and even from parts of oneself.

• Nervous System Impact: The body may enter a survival state such as freeze, flight, or fawn. This can result in emotional suppression, dissociation, or avoiding situations that might trigger judgment again.
• Internal Beliefs That May Form: I can’t trust others with my truth. If I show weakness, I’ll be seen as unfit to lead. My needs are too much for others. I have to deal with things alone.
• Behavioral Signs of Disconnection: Withdrawing from social or professional spaces. Avoiding vulnerability or self-expression—even with close relationships Hesitating to ask for help, even in times of real need. Over-functioning or striving for perfection to protect your image. Suppressing emotions to maintain the appearance of being “put together”

These protective patterns often begin as necessary responses to a harmful moment—but when left unaddressed, they can prevent us from accessing the connection, support, and belonging we deeply need to thrive.

My Feedback (t)rauma Story

In my personal feedback experience, I now recognize how that feedback led me to disconnect and isolate. I stopped sharing openly, questioned my own judgment, and began performing a more polished, less authentic version of myself. 

I didn’t realize it then, but I was protecting myself from further rejection. The effort and energy required to do so contributed significantly to my ultimate burnout experience and my body taking many years to heal. 

It has taken a long time—and intentional healing—to reconnect with my voice, rebuild trust in my leadership, and reclaim the power of showing up as my full self. 

Now, I’m learning to unlearn. To rewire. To give myself, the kind of feedback I needed all along—truthful, yes, but also compassionate, safe, and humanizing. And in doing so, I’m reclaiming a more honest, connected, and courageous way of leading.

But this isn’t just my story. It’s a shared story for so many of us—and it points to the urgent need for a new kind of feedback. One that heals instead of harms. That empowers instead of erodes.

That’s where Exceptional Feedback comes in.

From Fear to Flourishing: A New Feedback Paradigm

Your aversion to feedback isn’t a weakness—it’s wisdom.

Your body has learned that feedback is often weaponized rather than welcomed. But what if it didn't have to be this way? What if feedback was a sacred act of partnership and co-creation—a moment where two people pause, attune, and courageously partner for impact?

That’s what Exceptional Feedback does.

• It transforms fear into fuel.
• It turns feedback from a threat into a gift.
• It elevates performance without sacrificing the person.

Healing begins by recognizing the wound, reclaiming the truth, and rebuilding safety in how we give and receive feedback.

What Makes Feedback Exceptional?

Exceptional feedback, the kind that is not only useful but provides meaningful movement is rare in our world today. 

Most of the time people are giving and receiving feedback primarily based on their past patterns that were created to protect them from threats of potential pain, not to help them evolve to be better more capable and competent human beings. 

One of the first steps to Exceptional feedback is ensuring your intention for the feedback is useful and growth-producing. Because much of the feedback we receive is not only ineffective but also triggers survival state reactions in the body that literally prevent it from being integrated in a helpful or healthy way.

Exceptional feedback isn’t just “honest.” It’s skillfully crafted to be useful, safe, and transformative. Exceptional feedback is:

• Conscious: Delivered with present-moment awareness and a growth-focused intention. The giver is self-aware, regulated, and grounded in service—not self-interest or discomfort.
• Coherent: The feedback is internally aligned—head, heart, and gut are working together. It’s not just cognitively sound (head), it’s emotionally attuned (heart) and courageously truthful (gut).
• Connected: It emerges in relational safety. There’s trust, attunement, and empathy. The receiver feels seen and supported, not evaluated or diminished.

Equally important, for feedback to be communicated effectively it must be part of a two-way dialogue or conversation. In this conversation, the person must feel safe, seen, and supported to receive and integrate the feedback. 

Only then can you communicate the relevant information and to do so effectively we must address each of the human intelligences:

• (Head) What do they need to know or understand?
• (Heart) Why is this important for them and to me (the giver)?
• (Gut) What do they need to do, not do, or do differently as a result of this feedback?

When we engage all three intelligences—head, heart, and gut—we move beyond transactional feedback into transformational conversations that elevate both performance and partnership.

Reflection 

• What’s the most painful piece of feedback you’ve ever received? How did it shape your sense of self or safety?
• When have you hidden your truth to avoid judgment or rejection?
• How do you typically respond to feedback—do you freeze, fawn, defend, or disappear?
• What would it take for you to feel safe enough to receive feedback with openness?
• What kind of feedback do you most need right now—not to fix you, but to help you flourish?

Key Concepts Recap

• Feedback (t)rauma: Any feedback experience—large or small—that results in shame, disconnection, or self-protective patterns.
• Survival States: Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or fog responses that block reflection and integration.
• Exceptional Feedback: Feedback that is conscious, coherent, and connected. It activates growth and safety instead of fear.

Conclusion

Feedback doesn’t have to wound. It can awaken. It can be the moment we stop performing and start evolving. It can be the spark that reignites our courage, compassion, and creativity.

But only when it’s done differently—when we break the cycle of criticism and step into conversations that are conscious, coherent, and connected.

• We don’t need more judgment. We need more partnership.
• We don’t need more performance pressure. We need feedback that helps us flourish.

The legacy of feedback trauma doesn’t have to define you—or your leadership. You can rewrite it. You can repattern it. And you can lead the way for others to do the same.

Let’s create a new legacy—one where feedback becomes a tool for transformation, not a trigger for trauma. 

Ready to Rewrite the Feedback Script? Let’s create a culture where feedback becomes a source of clarity, connection, and growth—not fear. Whether you're a leader, team builder, or coach, I can help you build a system rooted in neuroscience, trust, and true partnership.